Breastfeeding Grief and Trauma
Breastfeeding grief is the strong sense of loss and sadness that you can experience when breastfeeding doesn’t go as planned. It is a complex and valid emotional response, often intertwined with guilt, frustration, or even relief. Breastfeeding grief can result from a wide range of experiences, such as needing to wean your child earlier than expected, experiencing pain, milk supply issues, or lacking support. It may also be that after a rocky start, feeding got on track and you were able to meet your feeding goals. But the legacy of early challenges still affects you.
Breastfeeding trauma can come from particularly distressing experiences such as severe pain, feeling coerced into making feeding decisions, or medical complications.
As psychologists we understand that it is not what you have been through that is necessarily the issue, but what it meant to you. This is why two mums may have been through very similar experiences, but feel completely differently.
Breastfeeding grief may not be well understood by those around you, which can feel particularly invalidating. People may make well meaning but dismissive comments such as “never mind, at least baby is happy and fed now”, which can be very difficult to hear. You can both be very grateful that your baby is fed, and very sad that you weren’t able to feed your baby the way you wanted to.
“I felt like a complete failure. Firstly, I hadn’t been able to give birth the way I wanted to. And then I wasn’t able to breastfeed. I didn’t realise how important it would feel, and I feel so guilty for not being better prepared. He is now 6 months old and thriving, but I beat myself up every day about not being able to give him the best nutrition and immune support. I’m literally up worrying and sometimes crying about it overnight. My husband doesn’t understand”
“I can’t be around breastfeeding mums. I just know that they are judging me when I give her a bottle and I want to scream I DID TRY! It is really limiting my life because baby groups upset me so much”.
What can help?
If you are going through breastfeeding grief or trauma, firstly know that you are not alone. 8 out of 10 women stop breastfeeding before they want to, and lots of these women are left with complex emotions around this ending. If you are still breastfeeding, or in need of practical help, please contact an Internationally Board Certified Lactation Consultant (IBCLC) for personalised expert advice.
If you are in need of emotional support and community, then you may benefit from following us on instagram at www.instagram.com/breastfeedingpsychology , where we share validating posts and information that may help you on your path to healing. There are also two books we recommend https://www.amazon.co.uk/Breastfeeding-Trauma-Matter-Pinter-Matters/dp/1780666152 and https://www.amazon.co.uk/Breastfeeding-Grief-Understanding-Lucy-Ruddle/dp/1946665754
We also offer specialist psychological therapy and workshops for breastfeeding grief and trauma. We have a team of experienced Clinical Psychologists who use a range of therapies such as CBT, EMDR and ACT to help you understand what you have been through and how to move forwards towards your goals. Please get in touch via our “Contact Us” page to enquire about 1:1 therapy.
If you are an organisation then you can also get in touch to book us for a “Breastfeeding grief and trauma” workshop which we can either deliver to the mums that you support, or to your staff to increase their awareness of how to work supportively in this area.
